Types of relationships Romantic relationship events Feelings and emotions Human practices Relationship abuse A relationship breakup, often referred to simply as a breakup, is the termination of a usually intimate relationship by any means other than bereavement. The act is commonly termed a dump in slang when it is initiated by one partner. The term is less likely to be applied to a married couple, where a breakup is typically called a separation or divorce. Several psychological models have been proposed to explain the process of a relationship breakup. One theory, by L. Lee,[1] proposes that there are five stages leading ultimately up to a breakup. In 1976, sociologist Diane Vaughan proposed an “uncoupling theory”, where, during the dynamics of relationship breakup, there exists a "turning point", only noted in hindsight, followed by a transition period in which one partner unconsciously knows the relationship is going to end, but holds on to it for an extended period, sometimes for a number of years.[2] Grief counselor and breakup expert Susan Elliott [3] writes that the emotions of grief after a breakup are essentially the same as those as any grief process. Her research reflects that of Beverley Raphael [4] who likened the process of grief as "phases" rather than "stages." Elliott writes that the phases of breakup grief are: Phase One: Shock and Disbelief Sometimes when a breakup is sudden, it seems too much to deal with and the mind goes numb, shutting down and refusing to deal for a time. It could be a minute, a day, weeks or months. Sometimes people stay in contact to avoid truly moving on or facing the cold, hard fact that they have broken up. They will call each other, write each other, not tell friends and family and generally play the “if I don’t acknowledge it maybe it will go away” game. If one person is taking it hard and maintaining contact, the other may indulge them for a while, unsure of how to go on from here. Either way, both people are in denial and need to decide if they are broken up or if they’re not. To move through this phase, acknowledge that you had a loss and resolve to work through it. Phase Two: Review and Painful Relinquishment If you are the person who did not see the breakup coming, the shock stage will probably last longer. You may feel as if you were punched in the solar plexus. You might feel as if the world is moving beneath your feet. You may feel that there is an unimaginable void in your world that you can’t do anything about. You may feel lost, and alone, and in incredible pain. These are the normal emotions of grief. Review is a necessary part of the grief process. This can be upsetting because it may seem like you cannot stop thinking about your relationship or your ex. You might recount the breakup scene over and over again. You wish your mind would shut it all off, but it doesn’t. It seems to continue on and on. Devastation Devastation after a breakup (even if initiated by you) is normal. Do not mistake the amount of pain you feel for the amount of love you had for that person. Your level of pain has to do with your own sensitivity, the other unresolved losses in your life, and how many secondary losses you may have experienced as a result of this breakup. The pain is normal and healthy even if it feels like it is not. Disorganization and Confusion After a breakup, you might also feel physically incapacitated in some way. You have trouble sleeping, or you sleep too much. You can’t think. You become accident-prone. You have trouble putting a sentence together. You have no idea what’s going on. This is normal. It is all part of the disorganization of grief. You feel scattered; you feel overwhelmed by feelings. Grieving causes confusion and disorganization. The sadness and disorganization feels extreme to people who are experiencing it for the first time. This is often when people try to shut it down and repress what they are feeling. Don’t do it. It’s hard but allow yourself to fall apart; allow yourself the disorganization and confusion. Anger After a breakup, anger is an appropriate reaction. When something has been taken away, people feel angry. Feeling the anger is okay. Acting on the anger is not. Guilt Guilt is a normal part of the grief process. No matter how good you were in the relationship, we are human, and there will always be guilt about what was done or not done, what was said or not said. The guilt can lead you to think you caused the breakup, and if you just apologize enough or do things differently, it will all be okay. You cannot move on if you still think you can fix it, or obsess about what you did or did not do. Guilt often comes from thinking we have control where we have none. Guilt stems from our inability to accept what has happened, and a misguided sense of having power over the situation of being able to go back and fix it. There is no way to go back and redo it, and even if you could, it does not change the outcome. What happened has happened. Going back is not going to be productive. Searching After any loss, the mind tries to put the world back the way it was. If someone or something is lost, there is an impulse to look for it. It is the mind’s way of reordering the world the way it “should” be. This results in the urge to search. It is uncomfortable but it passes…the less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. You don’t want to lose your way or get into an accident…you want to stay strong and know where you are. Journal. Write letters to the ex that you don’t mail. Sit on your hands. Call a friend and say you’re going crazy can you talk. Go to a movie. Do something but don’t connect. You will cycle through all these emotions several times. It’s hard and it hurts but get enough rest, have support in your life, eat right, exercise and start finding new interests and new friends. Phase Three: Reorganization, Integration and Acceptance Being in this phase doesn't necessarily mean you're happy; it means you are starting to move on and find some peace about the breakup. Accepting the loss does not mean forgetting or never feeling sad again, but it's a turning point that the final healing has begun. You will cycle through this phase a few times until you are truly "healed." According to John Fetto,[5] a survey conducted by eNation found that nearly one-third of Americans have experienced a breakup in the past ten years. He also found that the younger the person, the more likely they are to have experienced more than one breakup in the last decade. It is believed that this is because young people are more actively dating than older generations, though this may be changing with the growing divorce rate, and thus adults are breaking up more frequently as well. This makes breakups one of the more common emotional experiences in modern society. Healing from heartache, depending on the emotional attachment, can be a long process with multiple stages, of which may include: sanctioning adequate time to recover, improving intrapersonal relationships and, ultimately, finding the motivation necessary to dismiss the breakup itself. Often times breakups allow us to pursue personal goals without the drain of an unemotional spouse to hold us back. Laurie Helgoe,[6] believes that, “By releasing the past, you can approach new relationships with a fresh perspective and clearer vision”. Releasing the relationship and person physically from one’s life will help to keep both from constantly resurfacing in everyday life. Releasing the relationship and person from the mind and daily thoughts allocates more space to think about other important things including future relationships.
Boyfriend · Bromance · Casual · Cicisbeo · Cohabitation · Concubinage · Courtesan · Domestic partnership · Family · Friendship · Girlfriend · Husband · Kinship · Marriage · Mistress (lover) · Monogamy · Non-monogamy · Polyamory · Polyfidelity · Polygamy · Romantic friendship · Same-sex relationship · Significant other · Soulmate · Widowhood · Wife
Bonding · Breaking up · Courtship · Dating · Divorce · Infidelity · Mating · Romance · Separation · Transgressing · Wedding
Affinity · Attachment · Compersion · Intimacy · Jealousy · Limerence · Love · Passion · Platonic love · Polyamory · Psychology of sexual monogamy
Bride price (Dower · Dowry) · Hypergamy · Infidelity · Sexuality
Child abuse · Elder abuse · Dating abuse · Infidelity · Spousal abuse ·
Contents
Rationale
The Emotions of Grief After A Breakup
Recovery
See also
References
Further reading
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